I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
bears
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza