ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???