Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.