Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Festive toon…
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.