My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
You Might Also Like
My Plans 2020
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Godspeed, John Glenn
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast