“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK