Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
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Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*