A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.