My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You Might Also Like
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.