One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.