Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.