Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
When can I start eating bats again.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof