*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-