RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
You Might Also Like
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
motivation
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.