Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
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I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”