Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Ok but actually