be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.