The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes