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I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Isn’t
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.