Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!