Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Yes my dude
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I鈥檓 sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I鈥檓 going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 馃憤馃挍
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
If I鈥檓 ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I鈥檓 a mom.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss