you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Yup
Important
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol