Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.