[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
They’re on their honeymoon
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin