Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*