You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
A flock of dads is called a grill.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
man i love columbo
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission