Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My typo game is string.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.