That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
You Might Also Like
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The Compass
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something