do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My dating profile:
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person