I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.