If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
nice challenge
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
#Caturday
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
happy mother’s day❤️
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.