[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.