Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”