My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.