My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Breaking news:
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies