Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.