ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
“What?”
– Jude
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
put ‘er there pardner!
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten