Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Aight bet
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”