Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
who did the taste test?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.