What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Alexa; make it look like an accident
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry