Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
😅😅😅
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*