Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜