Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?