Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
we’re dead?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings