if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I bet birds love this building.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.