Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You Might Also Like
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.