So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron