Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You Might Also Like
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
December birthdays be like…
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”