I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Pot warmers of the day.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.