Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario